I have come to a huge decision today. I have decided to let go of my desire to be a writer and director! For the last ..lots of years..I have been focused on this one goal. I have gone to film school, I have engaged in a lot of post graduate training in this field. I’ve made a lot of award winning short films, a semi-successful tv series and even a precarious living…. but I’m giving up.

Oh I’m not giving up the writing, I’m not even going to give up the soul crushing activity of trying to get a feature film made, I’ve just decided to let go of the notion that BEING a writer/director is who I AM. Instead I am going to let it just be something that I DO, amongst all the other things I do, like drawing, travelling, saving peacocks from foxes and watching too much tv.

I have finally realised by making it all about who I am, by defining myself by it, I’ve been wrecking my head and possibly wrecking the work. Too much of my ego and my sense of myself has been wrapped up in the ebbs and flows of my career and that’s all very well if you’re a sailor and can predict that when there’s an ebb there actually will also be a flow, but not in a profession that I am beginning to think has less to do with talent then with tenacity and an alignment of the stars.

Also I’m hoping by taking the issue of ‘my whole sense of myself’ out of the equation, I’ll allow the work to flow better. Put it this way, I won’t put off writing because I am worried that what I write will be shit and that of course must mean I am shit. It might also mean I’ll stop putting pressure on my poor beleaguered muses to prop me up as well as my stories.

Also I’m hoping that now that I’ve decided by stopping pigeon holing myself as a ‘writer/director’ I might open up a bit of cosmic and mental space and freedom to doing a lot of other things besides, things that might challenge me, or might just be fun or…notions of notions, pay! So from now on, if anyone asks me what I am.. I am just going to smile prettily and say ‘Fabulous’!

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