I have the flu and it’s killing me!! Well not literally, I hope, though I do feel pretty shite! But staying in bed and doing nothing is wrecking my head.

‘I should go out for a walk’, ‘ I should go the Lourve’ ‘I should paint a picture’ ‘ I should try to get a picture IN the Lourve’, I should be trying to find a cure for the flu’, I should be trying to find a cure for cancer’! ‘I am wasting my life here in the this bed’. ‘I’m wasting my life in general’. ‘I am going to die’!

These and about a million thoughts of equal lack of any use or validity are firing around my brain like buckshot from an airgun. And the thing is I KNOW that really all I SHOULD do is lie in bed and drink lots of fluids. Simple. So why am I adding all the rest of the shit on top of that? I HAVE NO IDEA! Do you know what my worst problem last week was? I was very very happy…and somehow or other, I felt guilty about being so happy. So then I felt stupid for feeling guilty about being happy. Then I was ANNOYED with myself for feeling stupid for feeling guilty….and on and on it went, until I wasn’t anymore particularly happy anymore! My only comfort is that my friend, another expat, admited that he was was going through the exact same thing. Guilty for being happy….DUMBASSES!!!!

I wouldn’t mind if any of this angsting about my lack of being constructive was actually MAKING me contructive, but what ever tiny tiny gaps there are between each repetitive boring little angst thought is being plugged up with cycle 13 of America’s Next Top Model’, and between each 5 part installments per episode from Youtube I have miny angsts about how I ‘should’ be watching something more edifying. Christ it’s exausting!

Oh and if anyone very reasonably wants to give me a slap around the head right now, don’t worry I am mentally doing it to myself, NON STOP! I mean CHRIST FORBID I ever actually have a real problem, my brain will probably just implode into a million tiny pieces. But then that might be a relife. It might make it stop!

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